Elder care is hard. It can be exhausting. And dementia care, well that’s a whole other ball game. Dementia doesn’t just affect a person’s memories, it affects their emotional state too. Lately when we’ve been going out with Gram, especially when it’s somewhere new, she’s been lashing out at me on the way there.
Today, I almost turned the car around on our way to Greenfield Village. Almost pulled over, texted my husband, and cried on the side of the road. Because Gram was nasty. For no reason that made sense to me.
I prayed for grace, for patience, for strength, for anything.
And then Gram saw a truck drive past us, a big tractor trailer. And the awe in her voice and the look on her face was the same as William gets on his.
God answered my prayer. I saw her as He does. I saw the beloved daughter she is, the child of His heart. And I remembered what I’ve learned about dementia.
Gram wasn’t lashing out at me because I had done anything wrong objectively. She was confused, she was out of her routine, and she was feeling strong emotions that didn’t make sense to her. I just happened to be there to be on the receiving end.
From everything that I’ve read about caring for someone with dementia, this is not an uncommon occurrence. Caregivers take the brunt of their loved ones emotional state. I’m blessed to have help caring for Gram, to have a husband and mother who remind me not to take it personally, to take that emotional step back and love her in those moments where she reminds me more of a tantruming child who is trying to push my buttons than my beloved grandmother.
And I’m so grateful for that. Because if I didn’t, then we would have missed out on a wonderful day. Thanks to that moment of grace, of seeing the wonder in Gram’s eyes and thus being able to shift my view, we were able to get to Greenfield Village. And she loved it. Every minute. It was a perfect day. We rode in a convertible Model T. We ate ice cream and watched the kids play on the playground. We watched the glassblowers make a magnificent vase, and got to talk about the history of train travel. We got to ride on Thomas Edison’s steam train. She got cuddles and snuggles galore, all day long, and was surrounded by laughter and joy.
That’s what I want to give her. That’s what all caregivers want their loved ones to have, isn’t it? Except sometimes we don’t, sometimes we snap, or lose patience, or are exhausted. And if you’re a caregiver to someone with dementia, I want you to know that it’s okay. It’s okay sometimes to get angry back, to get frustrated, to snap. It happens to everyone, and it doesn’t make you a bad caregiver; it doesn’t mean you love them any less.
But after that, don’t forget to take a big deep breath, say a prayer, and take that emotional step back. Because it’s worth it. And here are a few photos from our day to remind you of that.
I want to leave you with a few concrete tips if you’re dealing with a loved one suffering from dementia who gets angry: (And I should note- Gram gets verbally angry, but never physically aggressive or makes me worried for her or anyone else’s safety. That is an entirely different situation, and if you’re experiencing it, please speak with a physician.)
- Don’t argue: This one is the hardest for me, especially when Gram makes irrational claims or accusations. But it is always easier if I don’t engage, don’t tell her she’s wrong. There’s no winning with someone with dementia.
- Give time: If it’s a task I’m trying to help with or trying to get her to do, giving Gram some time usually helps. For example, I know that getting her into a shower will be an argument, so I always try to give lots and lots of lead in time. Give her warnings that it’s coming, don’t push back if she gets upset, and try again later if it makes her too mad.
- Switch Caregivers: We can do this one because Mark, my Mom, and I work as a team. If there’s a situation that warrants it, like when she dumped all her meds down the toilet, we play good cop, bad cop.
- Figure out the reason: So this one can be tricky, but helpful. Using today as an example, because I’m the primary caregiver, I was able to notice that there’s been a pattern appearing when I take Gram somewhere new. Now that I’ve noticed that she seems to be lashing out when we’re about to go somewhere unfamiliar, I can take more steps to prepare her ahead of time so she feels less uncomfortable.