We are an inter-generational household. Three and a half years ago, we moved my grandmother in with us. Mark and I both firmly believe in the sanctity of all human life, from conception to natural death, and we believe that all people deserve to be loved and cared for with dignity. We have the means (and gifts) to have Grandma with us, and there’s no where else we would rather she be. Having her as a member of our immediate family is one of our greatest blessings and assets. We both hope that we will continue to be able to provide care for family members when and if they need it.
Grandma benefits from being surrounded by so much life. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, they are full of such infectious joy, you can’t not smile.
And the children benefit tremendously from her presence too. They have at hand someone always ready to read to them, talk to them, share food with them, and just be delighted in their presence. There are times of day when my hands are full with chores or one of their siblings, and it is a gift to be able to send them her way.
All of this being said, the realities of elder care is that it is tough. It requires self-sacrifice and patience in a manner that will stretch you and bend you. I think that for me, it is probably the area in life that I feel most reliant on the Lord to provide grace for. As Gram’s physical and mental health have slowly declined, she requires more care and more attention, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. There are times when I need to stop and remind myself to respond gracefully the fifteenth time she’s asked the same question, because she honestly doesn’t remember the other fourteen.
My grandmother and I have an interesting dynamic, one that I am sure is found in other families that care for the older generations- we’ve switched roles. Where once I was the child she cared for and helped learn and grow, now it is she who is reliant on me. And that’s a tricky thing, for us both.
I’m sure I’ll have more to say about what it’s been like caring for Gram these years, but for now, here are a few important lessons I’ve learned so far.
It takes a village. Caring for anyone, no matter their age, takes a village. Adding elder care to the mix of caring for kids makes this even more important. It’s incredibly important to have people you can rely on to give you breaks and to whom you can vent. For Mark and I, we are blessed to have a large village, but the person we rely on the most with regards to Gram (and most areas of our lives) is my Mom.
Mom lives just down the street from us, and is always available to pitch in. She keeps me sane and splits some of the Gram responsibilities with us. She takes care of picking up prescriptions, handling bills and finances, and a million other things that I could not do without. She is the person I can share the crazy stories with, so that I laugh instead of cry when I find Gram in her room eating raisins and stale bread out of a shower cap (true story) or feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of needs or don’t feel like I’m successful. We could never do this alone.
Give yourself some grace. I’ve learned that it’s incredibly important to realize that I”m going to make mistakes. I’m going to have days where I’m crabby and tired and not as patient as I want to be. I need to take a breath, spend some time in prayer, and make sure that self-care is happening. And then I need to forgive myself for when I fail.
Dementia is hard. It’s hard on the caregivers to watch a loved one lose touch with reality. It’s hard on the person who has dementia, especially in the early stages when they are aware that they’re confused and losing memories. Sometimes Gram remembers people, places, and events, and sometimes she has no idea who any of us are. It ebbs and flows and is dependent on a lot of factors, including physical health, time of day, and location.
You might also like these posts on Gram . . .
