The Gospel this past Sunday has been on my mind a lot this week. In case you missed it, in it Jesus praises the poor widow who gave 2 half pennies because she gave out of her poverty while others gave out of their abundance.
One of my best habits is to start my day with the daily mass readings and the devotion from Blessed Is She. It helps to center and ground my day in Scripture and gives me something to return to and ponder in my heart. The devotion for this past Sunday was about what it means to give from our poverty, and challenged me to ask where the areas of poverty are in my life, the areas that I feel like I’ve given every ounce of myself in and just have no more to offer. And, then, the real challenge- to dig down deeper in those areas and give what’s left, to let the grace flow, to respond with patience, to respond with a prayerful yes. The devotion reminded me yet again that sanctity is found in the little moments of my life, and this week, I very much needed the reminder. Today especially.
We’ve been in the middle of residency interview season here, and Mark has been gone quite a bit on overnight trips to see programs. He’s had 10 interviews so far. Some days he’s home for a total of 8 hours before he has to get on another plane. Our schedule has been up and down and sideways, not much has been consistent, except for the fact that there has been very little sleep happening for me. Our kids have never been great sleepers, and I never am more aware of it than when Mark is gone, and I don’t have anyone to split the night shifts with.
Hence, the reason that living out of my poverty stuck with me all week, especially today. William was up at 4am, and stayed awake until 5:30, when he graciously woke both of his sisters up before falling back to sleep himself. It was one of those days when by nine it felt like it should already be noon, and bedtime was clearly not going to come soon enough. And in typical fashion for my children, Gianna declared herself “too tired” to rest at all during naptime and William explained that he just couldn’t fall asleep because his butt and ears were itchy, so there wasn’t even the blessing that is naptime to break up the day. It was a laugh-so-you-don’t-cry kind of day.
Today was the kind of day that reminds me why I steep myself in Scripture. What an incredible balm to my soul it is when the first thoughts that pop into my head when I’m anxious or weary are the words of the Lord reminding me to give out of my poverty or the words of the Psalm that remind me that my help comes from the Lord who made Heaven and Earth. And it only happens because of the discipline of daily scripture reading. I would be lost and un-moored without it.
I am so grateful for Sunday’s Gospel and the words Jesus spoke to my heart through the Blessed Is She devotion, because they gave me the grace to choose to give out of my poverty, and to realize that it is in fact a choice. Praise God for the graces He bestows when we give Him our little nothings, our 2 half pennies, whatever they look like!
Today for me, it looked like remaining calm when Gianna had meltdown number 12, reminding myself that her impulsive behavior is the result of brain chemistry and not choice, and that she hates it as much as I do, while quietly talking her back to a place of peace; it looked like listening deeply and trying to understand what Gram was trying to share with me about the news, even though her dementia symptoms were high today and it took more effort than I thought I had to follow her train of thought; it looked like returning to William’s bedside time and time again when he needed “one last” snuggle or reassurance that Mom was close by, even though I was ready to clock out; it looked like a prayer of surrender instead of anger when I found out that Mark might get stuck for another night in Pennsylvania instead of coming home (Praise God, who truly knows my limitations, he was able to get on a plane out!).
God is growing me and stretching me in this season of life in ways I didn’t think were possible, and the most amazing thing is, that it all happens in the ordinary of my days. It’s in the habits I’m building, in the discipline of choosing to serve my family through the tasks that make a house run and being wholly present when I am so tired and exhausted and drained, and just desperately want to escape into the news or a book or social media. I’m learning day in and day out, that when I turn to the Lord with my two half pennies, when I open my palms up to him even when I feel like I have nothing at all to offer, He shows up and responds with grace each and every time. As a result, I have more peace, more energy, more of me to give than I thought I did, because I’m giving from His wealth and His treasures, not my own storehouse.
