Gram Update

Where there is no honor to the elderly, there is no future for the young. — General audience, St. Peter’s Square, March 4, 2015

I stumbled upon this quote from Pope Francis recently, and it made me realize that it’s been awhile since I’ve posted an update on how Gram is doing and what elder care looks like now in our home, and it’s definitely overdue.

Gram had a physical a couple of weeks ago, at which she was again proclaimed to be remarkably healthy for a person of her age. No surprise there. She is still fully mobile, though more reliant on her walker than ever. She maintains quite a bit of independence as well, though it seems to pinch her less when she can’t do something, which is possibly an effect of the dementia.

She is much more confused these days, mixing up names, forgetting people, losing track of things. She’s started to lose more long term memories as well, which I know she does feel keenly. The remorse is fleeting, and forgotten quickly. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a blessing or a curse, but it does make her happier.

She spends much of the day watching the world from our front window. There’s a lot to see. The oil change station and daycare across the street are fascinating to her. She knows all of our neighbors cars and marks when they return from work each evening.

And she reads. She has always loved to read. We had to give up using the Kindle a few months ago, because she would accidentally touch the screen and lose her place, making her very confused. It took awhile for me to realize this was happening, as she remains reluctant to ask for help. So we’ve returned to paper books, and she completes one every week or so. Little Women was her latest read; she loved it.

This newest stage of dementia has made for some changes in our family. On the one hand, a lot of times Gram is more willing to come out with me when the kids and I go places now. I think part of it is that she loses track of time and place when we’re gone, and the kids and I are her touchstones. Our presence helps anchor her to reality.

I love when she comes on walks with us, and have Mark’s talented uncle brainstorming with me about how to create a stroller-wheelchair combo, but in the same vein as a double stroller, that would allow me to push her and Charlotte on longer walks. This one exists, but it’s only a concept model. (As an aside- if any of you readers have skill sets in this area or know people who do, send them my way, because I’m in need of more brains to tackle this problem, and I definitely don’t have the skills to make it either).

But then on the flip side, there are times when she is adamant about not leaving the house. She doesn’t like to put herself in positions where it will be obvious when she is confused. One of the places she’s been refusing to go to is to our parish for mass. Only rarely anymore can I get her out the door on Sundays, which is hard for my heart, especially when I think about how incredibly faithful she has been throughout all her life. And then I remember that she is 96. And God knows her whole story, and her heart, and where her mind is now. So pray with us for her dear readers, because her soul is so incredibly loved by God, and my dearest wish is that she remembers it even if she forgets everything else.

The children remain the lights of her life. They’re aware of her forgetfulness and confusion, but it’s just part of who she is to them, so they don’t bat an eye and either correct her or move past it. They do so much to help her feel at home here, to remind her that she is a part of the family. And I’m so grateful for their witness to me about how to love Gram best.

I’m learning new things all the time about caring for the elderly. And the dynamic is a fluid one- sometimes Gram is incredibly lucid, and sometimes she’s not, and we are at the point where she doesn’t always know when she’s not. My goal is to always be respectful, to always have the time to listen and sit with her. I don’t always succeed. But thankfully God’s grace is new each morning, and each day we begin anew, she and I. How blessed we are to have her with us.