Let me start by saying that I love NFP. It has helped my marriage, and it has helped me conceive my children. It is beautiful, but like many beautiful and valuable things in life, it is also hard. We are on the hyper-fertile end of the spectrum. (Side note: check out Sarah’s post on hyper-fertility. Her line about being a walking pacifier resonated deeply with me in a funny-but-not-funny sort of way) The fact that my fertility returns somewhere between 3 and 6 months after birth mixed with the fact that my fibromyalgia makes pregnancy a 9 month Via Dolorosa, makes NFP use a tough needle to thread sometimes. But it’s worth it for our family, and there is grace in the struggle.
In fact, we love it so much that a few years ago Mark and I trained to be a teaching couple with the Couple to Couple League. We give an intro to NFP class as part of the Marriage is a Gift Retreat for our parish’s engaged couples. Every few months we teach a class in our home, usually just one-on-one with a couple, and as we talk about the nuts and bolts of the sympto-thermal approach, we also share a bit about our discernment process.
For those who are unfamiliar with the term, NFP stands for natural family planning. NFP encompasses all of the different methods out there that help couples observe and understand a woman’s fertility. This is not to be confused with your grandma’s rhythm method; all of the modern approaches to NFP are solidly grounded in science, and, when practiced correctly, are incredibly effective in achieving or avoiding pregnancy.
The counterpart to NFP is responsible parenthood. Responsible parenthood is what you do with the knowledge you gain while practicing your chosen NFP method. Contrary to popular belief, the Catholic Church does not expect couples to have all the babies physically possible. Nor does she tell a couple what constitutes a valid reason to avoid a pregnancy. It is entirely up to the couple to prayerfully discern what God is asking for their family.
Sometimes that task can be a little overwhelming. There have definitely been a few moments when I wanted a clearer direction, validation for our approach, a stamp of approval saying “yes, have another baby now” or “no, definitely not.” But most of the time, I’m grateful for the opportunity to discern with my husband each month, because it invariably brings us closer together and closer to God.
Because we are hyper-fertile, we don’t have extended periods of infertility after a birth, so there’s no real break in our NFP use. That means that each month, at the beginning of my cycle, Mark and I sit down and have a conversation. We look at the state of our home, our family, our marriage, and ourselves, and we talk about what we think God is asking of us.
Here are some of the questions we ask each month:
How are we doing financially? Is our budget holding up? Can our family support another person?
How are our other children doing? How is Gram? Do any of them have particular needs right now that aren’t being met? Are there needs that would be difficult to meet if I was pregnant knowing that a pregnancy might take me out of commission for a length of time?
How is our marriage? Are we connecting well? Are we praying together regularly? Is there any area of conflict we need to address?
How are we each doing as individuals?
Physically? Is my body ready to handle another pregnancy? Is my fibro under control?
Spiritually? Pregnancy is a sacrifice for us, so it helps to go into it ready for the battles that come. A huge part of this for us is making sure that we are spiritually prepared.
Emotionally? Are either of us overwhelmed in any way? Does life feel too full? How is our mental health?
Are there any other areas of concern that might make us consider avoiding a pregnancy?
This conversation is a jumping off point for our prayers. If we find any red flags, we look at how we can address them in a practical way, and we also ask God to speak into those areas of our lives. Then we pray to see what God is saying, because sometimes He asks something of us that might not make sense rationally at first glance (for example, I gave birth to our youngest during my husband’s third year of medical school).
This method of discerning our family size has had an added benefits outside of simply helping us make choices about family size. The biggest is this- by talking about all the major areas of our marriage every month, there’s really not a lot of time for any issue to go off the rails, to get beyond repair.
One thing that I’ve learned connecting with other NFP using couples, is that one size doesn’t fit all. Here are a few other places you’ll find great NFP testimonials and resources for the different methods:
Please especially check out Off the Charts, a new NFP online community started by Jenny Uebbing.
CCL’s website will give you the best info on the sympto-thermal method.
Here’s where you’ll find the Creighton method.
And finally, I love this beautiful testimonial by Joanna Wahlund about her NFP journey.