Tonight was a rough night with G. Meltdown after meltdown, throwing things, sobbing, just entirely out of control. She had a fabulous morning. She had an incredibly helpful afternoon. And then she hit the wall. ADHD can be like that. She spends so much energy holding herself together, that when she can’t do it anymore, it’s like watching a volcano erupt. Sometimes it’s a slow run down of lava, sometimes it violently spews everywhere. Tonight was the latter.
I’m learning a lot parenting a preschooler with ADHD. While our “official” diagnosis is pretty new, we’ve noticed the symptoms for a long time, and have been parenting with it in mind. We’ve also been working with our pediatrician and a pretty spectacular therapist. I had the blessing to nanny for an incredible young child with ADHD who is a lot like G and was able to walk with her through the process of getting a diagnosis and putting behavioral management techniques in place in the home, and as a teacher, I taught many kids in the classroom with ADHD. So while I’ve got a lot of tools in my toolbelt in this area, it still leaves me feeling exhausted and raw and heartbroken when G is suffering and struggling, and I can’t fix it.
After a failed attempt at dinner, I bundled G up into my arms and snuggled her in bed, because I’ve learned that physical touch and cuddles calm her body, mind, and heart when she’s overwrought, and the best time to talk about a meltdown is the next day when she’s back to herself again. We settled in to read one of our favorite Christmas books, The Wild Christmas Reindeer by Jan Brett. If you haven’t read it (you should!), the story goes like this- Teeka is tasked with getting the reindeer ready for Christmas, and she decides that in order to do that she has to be firm. So she speaks loudly and orders them around and is not very gently. She doesn’t take the time to listen to them or understand why they are acting out, and things go badly. In the end, Teeka realizes that she needs to try a different tact with the reindeer- she speaks softly, she listens, she directs their movements gently.
As I read the story tonight, I thought of all the parallels in my relationship with my daughter. Sometimes I slip into the mentality that to be a good parent means always being strict, a disciplinarian. If she doesn’t obey the first time, she must not respect me, I must be doing something wrong, so I should force the situation and enforce consequences, I should raise my voice. And while I do believe children should obey their parents (I’m certainly not saying that being a lax parent is a good thing). I need reminders some days to stop and observe, to take a moment to figure out her motivations, where her heart is. For example, with G, transitioning can be really tough. It’s a common symptom of ADHD. So if I tell her to stop a task she’s in the middle of, she truly has a difficult time and it takes her longer to switch gears. If I’m not patient and gentle, she ends up like the reindeer in the story with their antlers locked together- stuck and miserable.
But the more I work on leading her with care and not trying to break her will, the easier my job becomes. Sometimes I need a good reminder to be an authoritative parent not an authoritarian. Thank heavens children’s books contain lessons we’re never too old to learn.