This is my new favorite photo. Gianna and Gram curled up together having a nap and a snuggle. My sleep-resistant daughter actually fell asleep in her great-grandma’s arms today. This, this right here is why we are an inter-generational household.
For those who didn’t know, three and a half years ago, we moved my grandmother in with us. She had been living in an assisted living apartment in Connecticut. It was lovely, and I am absolutely not criticizing anyone who has relatives in them in anything I am writing here. This is simply what was right for our family. And it was right for a lot of reasons. Mark and I both firmly believe in the sanctity of all human life, from conception to natural death, and we believe that all people deserve to be loved and cared for with dignity. We, personally, have the means (and gifts/talents) and ability to have Grandma with us. I’m home with the kids, which makes it easy for me to be present to provide care for Gram. It also fits my particular skill set, which helps. In addition, we have my mom living down the street, and she shares some of the physical and emotional burden of Gram’s care. Among many things we’ve learned these past years, is that it’s incredibly important to have a village!
(Side note, if anyone is considering moving an elderly relative in with their family, please don’t hesitate to write to us- we’re happy to share what we’ve learned and provide encouragement. Having Gram as a member of our immediate family is one of our greatest blessings and assets. We both hope that we will continue to be able to provide care for family members when and if they need it.)
The kids are the other reason why it works so well to have Gram living with us. The old and the young seem to fit together in a divinely appointed manner, and I think that they bring out the best in one another. Grandma benefits from being surrounded by so much life. She is called out of herself by children clamoring for her attention; it’s hard to sit and dwell on the struggles of old age when children are around. They are full of such infectious joy.
Gram has a hard time with not being able to do much anymore, and in a world where your value depends on what you can do/offer/accomplish, I think it can be especially tough. So much of our identities are wrapped up in what we do, more than I had realized before Gram moved in with us. It’s a great gift to get to be there to let her know that she is loved because of who she is (a daughter of the Father), and not because of what she can do. We always try to remind her that the children benefit tremendously from her presence too. They have at hand someone always ready to read to them, talk to them, share food with them, and just be delighted in their presence. There are times of day when my hands are full with chores or one of their siblings, and it is a gift to be able to send them her way.
Gianna and Gram have an interesting dynamic and are probably the members of the family who benefit most from our living arrangement. They are incredibly close and love each other dearly, but there are times when they struggle to be together and peaceful. G is impulsive, incredibly active, and well, very, very 3. At almost 96, Gram is the opposite. She’s also hard of hearing, which means that sometimes G will say something or ask something and Gram won’t hear. Gianna can’t quite understand this. She knows enough to raise her voice, but not enough to remain patient when she has to repeat herself. As a result, their relationship suffers from many misunderstandings. But, in their interactions they soften each other’s hard edges. They are also learning important lessons in how to love those that are different from us (and in watching them, so am I).
Gianna by nature is particularly welcoming and inclusive. It’s a great gift of hers. She has a sixth sense for when Gram is sad or down for any reason, and always makes an effort to distract her and show her love. The way that she is so attuned to Gram’s needs is a witness to the importance of doing small things with great love. For example, yesterday, when we were getting ready to do our coloring pages as part of our Marian Consecration Prep, she made sure that Gram was at the table to join us. It was a wonderful opportunity to share faith and build our domestic church- G shared with Gram what we had read about Mary earlier in the day and all the things she is learning.
Sometimes I will admit that Gram drives me crazy. She regularly lists for me all of the items she sees that the kids have dropped on the floor (which is A LOT of items). She pays a great deal of attention to all the tiniest movements of the kids. But the way that she gives the kids the entirety of her attention in all of their interactions is a good reminder to me to stop and be present.
Caring for Gram is tough sometimes, and it does require sacrifices, but over and over again, I see how much richer all of our lives are because she is here. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
